Why...
8th December 2000
...am I posting at ten to four in the morning.
...am I posting at ten to four in the morning.
Catching the Eurostar at 11. Not going to get any sleep. Don't dare. Too great a chance that I'd sleep through the alarum clock now.
Hell of a night.
Crying night.
Brandy night.
Pragmatist that I am I saw that I'd get through a lot so I chose the cheapest. After the second glass you don't notice. No use wasting Armagnac or Calavados on being depressed.
Cryptic. To most. Sorry. Pissed.
For a while now I've been contemplating a post about support. The support that we offer each other at need.
I even had a title for it. "You're better than you know."
What I couldn't work out was how to write meaningfully without letting half a dozen cats out of their respective bags.
So no names, no pack drill.
But it can hardly be a secret that I've recently been through what have proved not to be the happiest few months of my life. Shit piling up on virtually every front.
Currently there's no end in sight.
Perversely perhaps an ending is the very last thing I want. Resolution yes, although there seems precious little prospect of that; but an ending, no. It would be a defeat.
Somehow there's an empathy in suffering. We all suffer uniquely. But we all have suffering in common. And there's no need to bear it alone.
So I've had the new experience of writing to people and the entirely astonishing surprise that it actually may have done some good, or at least done no harm.
At the same time I've received letters and mails, phone calls and SMS's that helped me bear sorrow that I thought unsupportable. Made me laugh when I believed that there could never again be laughter in me. Listened patiently when I prattled about things that could make no sense to anyone but myself. Held me close when I was desperately in need of human touch. Given me space when I had to flee. Let me weep and made no complaint of soggy shoulders. Told me truths I needed to hear. Lent me strength and hope and love. Made survival a possibility.
You are, truly, better than you know.
And I love you.
Matthew
