I ain't going to shout at anyone about this (yet).

Speaking solely for myself:

I've known something about HIV and AIDS for years and although it's a while since I've had any educative role that caused me to actively reserach what's going on I see enough stuff to be reasonably up to date.

So I know that safer sex can be had with a positive partner at little risk.

And I know that there's always some risk.

And I know that the risk is still there even if a partner thinks himself negative.

And I know that even though I think I'm negative I'm a potential risk to a partner, 'cause you're never absolutely sure...

And 'cause all that is firmly lodged in the rational parts of my mind then the PC answer is of course I can have a shag with a positive guy 'cause the safer sex practices probably no different from those I'd be using with anyone else make the risk as small as they're even likely to get.

Right! Got that? Easy, ain't it.

Problem is that it's an utter load of bollocks.

Problem is that on occasion when it's actually come to the point I've proved less than, well, sensible about it. In fact on occasion I've found myself absolutely fucking terrified . And even for those into bdsm you'd have to be very kinky indeed for that to be any sort of turn-on.

Problem is that even the irrational fear can't be relied on to behave rationally 'cause it doesn't kick in every time. For whatever reason I've had and loved sex with positive men and I have not one single idea why your biggest sexual organ gets so confused that on one occasion you can be hornier than Priapus and on another reduced to a quivering wreck.

Go figure!

It's fun, this "life" thing, ain't it. I wonder of anyone has ever worked it out satisfactorily.

And do you know the worst, the absolute worst thing about it all is?

It isn't the fear: neither the day in day out general worry or the very acute and personal fear of death; it isn't attending funerals or trying not to cry too much at a "celebration" (fucking awful idea, people need wakes and hysterics). Almost the worst is asking "Hows so-and-so" and getting the answer "Dead", but that's not quite it either.

The worst thing of all is looking at a guy's face and seeing the depths of hurt a man is capable of expressing, the look of hurt because while my eyes see beauty all my libido can see is a biological breeding ground that should have "contaminated" signs stamped all over it and that fucking virus has won by turning a warm human being into a thing you can be terrified by. Christ! I've never despised myself quite so much as when facing such a look.

Fuck, I'm swearing as much as David. I need a drink - a big one and then maybe I'll send this.

Hugs - everyone, ya hear!

Matthew

-- 
   "Homo sum: humani nihil a me alienum puto"